Finding Hope

It's been a while. I'm sorry for my absence lately. I drafted the below post in early January but never made the time to share it with you. I think it will explain some of what's been going on.

 I am a solid two months behind on my blogging, which is new territory for me. I hate it because this is the absolute worst time of year to be behind. All of the cute holiday pictures of my nieces and nephews are just sitting on my phone, waiting to be enjoyed.

There are two reasons for my absence.

1. My computer randomly decided not to connect to internet at my house.

2. The holiday season was a rough one for me. 

I am a positive person, and I like to look at the bright side. (That’s one of the qualities that drives Kyle up the wall!) But lately,there have been days when I don’t want to look on the bright side. I want to be sad because that’s what I am. I want to cry rather than hold back the tears. And, if I’m being honest, I want to feel a little sorry for myself because my life is just not working out the way I planned. 

I have had these feelings since our miscarriage in July, but I think the last few months have been the hardest. I hate admitting to them because I am a Christian who knows that this isn’t the end of the story. I know my God is bigger than any situation I find myself in and that His plan is the one that’s best for me. I know this because I’ve been reassured of it on countless occasions during this short life of mine. But that doesn’t make me immune from the struggles that come with loss. So why is it so hard for me to talk about? 

That’s something I’ve thought a lot about lately, and I think the answer for me is because I’m afraid. Afraid to seem weak, afraid to let others down, afraid to be forced to listen to the reasons why I shouldn’t be sad, afraid to admit things aren’t perfect. The list goes on and on. But since my word for FY16 is daring, it’s time for me to gather some courage and let others in on the secret. Isn’t that why God put us here together? To show love to one another and support one another through the ups and downs of life.It’s really hard to do that if we’re restricting others to the kiddie pool version of our life and are too fearful to let them in the deep end so they can help us tread water. 

But I am trying to be more vulnerable and authentic – hence the theme of this post. So before I get you caught up on all the happenings of November and December, I wanted you to know what’s really going on in my life behind all of the fun photos and holiday cheer. 

Even in hard times, I am very aware of how incredibly blessed we are. I continue to be thankful for you – our family and friends – who care enough to keep reading through this post, ask us how we’re doing and pray for us along the way. I will leave you with a verse that has been a helpful reminder to me during this time of struggle. If you are having a hard time right now, this is my prayer for you. 

Since I wrote the words above, we've completed all of our doctor's appointments and blood work following the miscarriage. January 28 was our original due date. That's a day I've been dreading for several months now, and I wasn't sure how I would feel. This period of our life has been hard, but God is faithful. On January 28, I expected to feel sad, like I have been on many days in the past few months. However, God surprised me. On that day, my hope was greater than my sadness. Finally, being joyful and trusting in His plan didn't seem impossible. There may still be tough days in our future, but I'm thankful for the progress we have made and all that God has taught me during this time.